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do you ever feel like people expecting you to be a human being is just too fucking much? like they tell you all these things you're supposed to be doing, real simple things right, and you look at them like they're saying you're supposed to be building a rocket ship from gum wrappers and flying straight into the sun without getting so much as a little soggy on the collar? i haven't got the slightest idea what to do. why can't i self destruct in normal ways? why does it always have to be food? i am completely and totally fucked. |
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i get so lost sometimes. i think i'm okay now, for a while. *fingers crossed* |
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i don't want to exist anymore. i can't take the shame, it never ends.
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when life gives you lemons, throw a party! i'm having a pity party...with raindrop decorations and pity cake with a big sad face and blue sugar crystal tears. no one in this house is allowed to mope about anything from now until the party, we write down our complaints and throw them into the pity pot to be read aloud at the pity party. removed from reality, who us? nah. now back to our regularly scheduled program.
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i'm really depressed about the state of my life. i know what i need to do, but i'm too afraid to do it. i need help i need help i need help. i need a friend, i need someone to say hey you're in the shit here's a ladder. but there's no one. no one cares, and i can't for the life of me give anyone a reason to care. no one even knows i exist. it's all my fault, but what was i supossed to do? i want to go out and have friends that care about me and for me whenever i meet somebody it's like looking through a window to another world. i look at them and think...i can never know you, we'll never be on the same side. the truth is i don't want you to stick around, because the little song and dance to stay ordinary and invisble is nerve wracking. just keep smiling, a little longer, hold on, hold your breath. i want you gone so i can breathe again. otherwise...how long would you last? how long before you see? i can never know you because you can never know me. you can never know me because to know me is to know that i am a freak...and there's no way of knowing who will hold it against you. my life is completely dominated by irational fear. i couldn't go off-script if i was on fire. isn't it obvious? can't it be so blatantly obvious to just one person? help, i'm stuck in here!
"Outwardly, I was everything a well-brought up girl should be. Inside, I was screaming.""I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared or even noticed. " "...meanwhile I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one even bothers to look up."
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i was going to turn this into an experiment in different forms of non-verbal expression, but i have zero motivation. so.... i'm icky. fml. =/ |
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this isn't me. there's a reason everything feels so unnatural, i should start paying attention before i erase myself completely. |
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i'm shifting my focus from being normal to being brave. i'm done trying to be normal. i'll do my best to be nice, but i'm done with normal. it's a compulsion, a phobia, a crutch. it's fucking war. |
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i don't know what to do. i'm tired of failing at everthing. this is not an exaggeration. i try to pretend i'm somone else...give myself the benifit of the doubt and say shit like everyone has to be good at something, but it's just not true. really, it's astounding.
edit: hahaha
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depressed
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